First: why am I so anti-blog? Simple. Because everyone else in the world is already doing it....and the vast majority of them are blogging with no true sense of self-awareness. THAT is why I do not like blogs and am loathe to write one myself.
"What in the fuck is that supposed to mean"?
I'm glad you asked.
My sense of self-awareness tells me that I am charming, witty, of above average intelligence, am pretty darn good looking, uproariously funny, macho and manly yet sensitive, very precise and analytical yet a total romantic at heart, that I posses a wisdom beyond my years yet still view the world with the wide-eyed wonder of a child. Nothing unique there, right? I'd venture to say most people view themselves in much the same light.
HOWEVER....unlike like most people, I am well aware of the fact that I am the only human being on this planet who sees those aforementioned traits in me. And I'm absolutely fine with that. I know that my jokes and sense of humor tickle the shit out of me and me only. That the gorgeous hunk of man with the boyish charm that stares back at me from the mirror is seen by me and me only. I have no illusions. And it doesn't bother me one bit. Hell, I like me. I think I'm one heck of a great guy. But the vast majority of people, especially bloggers, seem to believe that all those coveted adjectival phrases that they would use to describe themselves are the same ones that others would use to describe them as well. And I've saved the adjectival phrase most coveted by bloggers for last. (insert drum-roll here) So return your seat-backs and tray-tables to their upright positions, fasten your seat-belts and hold on tight.....'cuz here it comes: People who blog would also describe themselves, and believe others would do the same, as GOOD WRITERS.
Again, no illusions here. I know I'm not a Good Writer. My writing skills are passable at best. My writing is not engaging, it is not entertaining. Hell, it can barely be considered English. But it seems that bloggers consider themselves to be modern-day Edward R. Murrow's if they are of the journalistic type. Or the embodiment of Mark Twain if they like storytelling. Or William Shakespeare if they lean towards the theatric. Or Henry David Thoreau if they're philosophical. Or Robert Frost if they think they are poetic. When in fact their writing skills leave very, very much to be desired. It comes back to that self-awareness thingy I mentioned earlier. I am completely aware of the fact that I am not a Good Writer. Most bloggers do not possess this sense of self-awareness and insist on filling the world with much unneeded and unwanted drivel in the form of blogs. And THAT, gentle reader, is why I do not like the cursed blog
Now I'm sure you're wondering "then why in the hell are you starting a blog you stupid fuck?" Good question. And wouldn't you know it? I just so happen to have an answer.
Since about the 7th grade, I have been told repeatedly by numerous different people that they like the way I write. Now hold on there...wait just a sec. I know, I know. That's an absolute impossifuckinbility. But it's true. And the frequency with which I've been told this has been steadily increasing as of late. And you know what? You are absolutely right. The simple thought that is going through your mind right now has not gone unnoticed by me: that my being told more and more often by people that they enjoy the way I write is happening concurrently with the sad fact that the collective I.Q. of the world's populace is plummeting rapidly. Yep, I noticed the correlation too: the dumber the people get, the more they enjoy my writing.
The reason for this blog really all comes down to this: a very good friend of mine is the Editor of a minor, yet relatively well-known, publication. Don't ask, I'm not ready to say which publication yet. He's got a Bachelor's Degree in Literature with a Minor in Filmic Writing (writing for films). He's also earned a Masters Degree in Journalism. So you'd think that with those credentials the guy would have at least a modicum of understanding of what good writing is. He should be able to tell the difference between writing that is captivating, engaging and entertaining vs. writing that is best left relegated to (gulp) blogs. But apparently he cheated his way through college and never learned a damn thing. This is evidenced by the fact that he has invited me to enter an audition process that will ultimately determine who will be chosen to write a monthly column for his publication.
Write? Audition to be a writer? Me? For a publication that has a readership of over 100,000 every month? Audition for a column of my own, with my own byline, where I can write about whatever my heart desires? Is he "nucking futs"? He wants ME, yes ME, to audition for this. The auditions are by invitation only, there will be only ten invitees, and I am one of them. If they all suck, he and his staff will find ten more to invite. But they find that scenario highly unlikely. They are very confident in those they've invited to audition. And that first ten, the ten that they think have the most potential, the first round of the draft, that first ten is to include little ol' me.
The submissions of writing samples for the auditions begins in late October. I told my friend that the only writing I do of any length and / or substance is to my Journal. It's just me writing to me. And what is written there is certainly not for public consumption. Hell, I don't even read my Journal. I have a very strict policy of NEVER re-reading what I've written in my Journal. Thus I haven't ever had the opportunity to critique anything "deep" or "with substance" or that may be "humorous" that I've put into writing. And I certainly have no experience in writing in a manner that is meant to be entertaining, informative, or whatever, to others. Here we go again with that self-awareness thingy....I know that I'm a horrible writer. I know that my writing is interesting to no one, not even me. I know that when people say they like they way I write they are just tossing about the niceties that one does in their day-to-day interactions with other human beings. Everybody likes polite people, few like rude people. "Gosh Ashley, you got your hair done. You sure were a lot prettier yesterday with your previous hairstyle". Nah. People don't say that. They say "Wow!! Ashley your haircut is soooo pretty"!! Ya see? Polite. Not rude. People toss niceties back and forth at each other like they would a football while spending a day at the beach. And that's a good thing. But not necessarily factual. Uh-huh. Self-awareness staring us in the face again. I don't know if my friend bumped his head just once really, really hard.....or if he had to do it repeatedly to get so "ducking fumb".
I guess how he got so clueless is irrelevant. I decided to accept his invitation to audition, and when I did he actually displayed a small glimpse of intelligence and a glimmer of taste: he suggested that I practice writing to someone other than myself. That I practice writing for public consumption. That I put the suggested writings on public display. That I start a blog.
So there you have it. You, gentle reader, are now privy to some totally useless and boring information: the reason I've started this blog and my feelings about bloggers and blogs in general.
If you've read this far I'd like to congratulate you on your endurance and, much more importantly, I'd like to sincerely thank you.
And finally I'd like to say to you, gentle reader, with nothing but heartfelt truth.......I am hoping that this blog finds you, and finds you well.
Cheers,
Jimmy
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